Yes....its hard. Very hard.

May 14, 2018



*Disclaimer* I wrote this blog for my mom's blog 2 years ago, but thought it would be a good start to my own.  

 Hi, I’m Aubrey. My mom has probably mentioned me in her blogs one or two times. I want the world to know the truth about adoption from the eyes of someone from the inside. For starters I am the oldest of now 6 children. I was home schooled for the first 15 years of my life, and then started attending Mountain Crest High School. After attending my junior and senior year, I graduated and am now attending Utah State University majoring in Communication Studies with a minor in Entrepreneurship and Health Systems.            

I was twelve. I stepped off the plane. I took in the smells. I looked at the people. I looked at the island. I looked back in the plane and realized that there was no turning around for the next two weeks. I was excited but nervous. My mom held my hand all through the airport. Scratch that, she didn’t just hold it, she squeezed everything out of it so much so that it was purple by the time we reached the truck. The air was dingy and dirty but I took it all in. I was kind of in culture shock, but I was always up for a new adventure so I loved it. We arrived at the orphanage for the very first time and I was immediately greeted by all the small children wanting to touch my beach blonde hair and hold my hand. I was excited to make so many new friends; but one little boy stood out to me from the very beginning. Sam, my now brother, stood out to me the very first moment I stepped into that orphanage. He wasn’t rushing us to see if we had candy. He was sitting on a rock making a kite next to a big tree. I thought it was odd he didn’t immediately run up to us like all the other kids, but I shrugged it off and continued to play with the little children. After a few hours I came down from the missionary dorms and saw him making a kite. Not the same one, but he was still sitting there starting over from scratch. Naturally I was curious because he had just finished a kite...why on earth would he be making a new one? I walked over and sat next to him. He smiled at me and continued to work. I asked him about his kite and why he was making a new one. (He spoke English really well and I was impressed) I will never forget what he said to me then. “I gave it to my friend over there. He broke it, so I’m making him a new one so he can play with it with all of us boys.” I looked over at the boy he was pointing at and the boy had some sort of disability. Malnourished at birth, I believe. Sam didn’t look at him like he was disabled and didn’t talk about him like he was either. He just kept making him kites so he didn’t feel left out. He didn’t give him special attention because he was disabled, but loved him equal to everyone else. In his eyes they were equal. The rest of the time I was there, he and I became inseparable pals. Little did I know that the boy who just touched my heart would become one of my worst nightmares and best buddies all at the same time. No one can teach someone the lessons in life that Sam has taught me...and he’s only 12.

When my mom and dad first decided to adopt I was so excited, but in all honesty I was disappointed with their choice of child. As awful as that may sound...just hear me out. I wanted Sam. I didn’t really know Alto or connect with him but I knew that I loved Sam and I wanted him in my life forever. Long story short, you already know we decided to adopt them both, and I can’t imagine my life without Alto. I love that little boy to pieces. He’s adorable, sweet, hilarious, caring and just overall one of the greatest brothers any girl could ask for. But I’m not going to talk much about Alto. This story is MUCH much more about my journey with Sam.

Of course when we brought them home it was all rainbows and roses. Just like any relationship, we were in the “honeymoon” phase. They were grateful and obedient. They did their chores and we all got along. For a solid two days, everything was perfect and I thought there was no way anything could go wrong. I laugh now at that ignorant girl who thought it would be that easy. I laugh even harder at the fact that I thought I knew everything and it would be so easy to be nice and love them. Love. Stop. Now say it slowly. LOVE. That is a word that deserves to be categorized with all the other horrifying four letter words, sometimes. It puts up a false front, it looks easy, but its all a lie. Do I believe in real, true love? Of course! I believe in love more than anyone ever could! But its still the easiest word to say but the hardest to follow through with. I never truly appreciated nor understood the true gravity of that four lettered word. Honestly, I still don’t and I don’t think I ever will. Anyway. We’ll get back to that, but on with my story.

After our two days of Paradise, everything fell apart. Tantrums were thrown. By biological and adopted children alike. Punches were thrown, hurtful words were said pencils were stabbed into chins...yeah...that is a real thing that happened. I remember one day, a couple weeks into them being home, my mom was down stairs and I went up to my room to fold some laundry and happened to find Sam just sitting behind my door. He scared me, caught me off guard. He was visibly upset. So I closed my door and sat next to him. We just sat there in silence for a sold 20 minutes. If you know Sam, you know he is the farthest thing from a quiet person. He doesn’t just sit there in quiet; but there we were. Sitting behind my door in complete and utter silence. No matter how hard things in our family have been and no matter how mean Sam and I can be to each other, we still seem to have this natural mutual bond between us. After a few minutes I put my arm around him and then he broke. Everything broke. As he cried in my arms, I couldn’t even imagine what was going through his head. This precious boy was afraid this was going to happen again. He has always been afraid to get seriously close to people, especially my mom. It scares him. The most unusual thing though, he has never been afraid of me. He hasn’t ever been afraid of getting close to me. Yeah, I’ve hurt him. Many many times...but he’s always still so trusting and loving towards me; in his own way of course. Ever since that day I decided that no matter how hard things got I would always love this little boy. THAT IS THE TOUGHEST THING I HAVE EVER COMMITTED TO DO. He is a hard person to love. He does anything to get you to hate him, so the challenge there lies in seeing beneath everything and CHOOSING to love him despite what he does, says, or the way he acts. Every day is hard and many days I fail. Many more than I am willing to admit.

This little boy who made a kite for the disabled boy, is my brother. That isn’t ever going to change. Loving that boy makes me appreciate everything that Christ has done for me so much more that I could ever imagine. Sam is easily the hardest person to love that I have ever met. And for an 18 year old, I have met a lot of people. He tests and tries it every single day and every day I either prove or fail that love. To Christ, I am a "Sam". I test His unconditional love every single day. I hurt Him, I fail Him, and I sometimes fail to love Him.....but He loves me despite all that. Scratch that. He doesn’t just love me....He CHOOSES to love me. He doesn’t HAVE too, he isn’t OBLIGATED too, He isn’t FORCED too, but he CHOOSES to love me! This example to me make me want to CHOOSE to love Sam more and more. It’s hard, but I know no matter what, I love that boy more than he will ever know. Love means that you never stop...no matter what. Even if you are the hardest person in the world to love...Christ loves you, me and Sam. He will never stop loving us all. He will never stop loving me. He will never stop loving my Sam. And through His love, I will not ever stop CHOOSING to love my Sam...no matter what.